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by Jayaram V
You have heard many times that when you are angry you should
count numbers
one to ten and your anger will disappear. Did you
ever try it and see what happened? Most of the time, in critical
situations, people just don't remember the suggestion. They forget
everything and burst into anger. Do you know why this happens?
You are also told that you can control your anger in various
ways, such as disputing your negative thoughts, practicing breath
control, taking adequate rest, doing meditation and cultivating
mindfulness. No doubt these techniques might have helped you to
get some stability and control. But have they helped you to gain
complete control over your emotions? If you are one of those millions
of ordinary people like this author, you might have learned from
your experience that however hard you may try, there will be times
when you cannot simply control your emotions and you cannot help
being angry, irritated, afraid or anxious.
Emotions are an essential and inseparable part of our consciousness.
They are part of a built in mechanism, which allows us to cope with
the ups and downs of our lives both physically and mentally. For
example, fear may not be good for your self-esteem, but fear is
necessary for your survival. Anger may not be good for your health
and relationships, but anger is necessary at times to defend yourself
from possible threats.
Our emotions work like shock absorbers to protect us from breaking
down when things get too hot or too cold in our lives. Let us admit.
Without emotions we will not be able to live our lives normally
or humanly. Without emotions we will not be able to establish normal
relationships with others or experience the sense of achievement
or fulfillment or belongingness. Our emotions are meant to show
the world who we are and what we are going through. Unfortunately
society forces us to hide them with acceptable behavior and colorful
masks. Society approves you when you hide your true feelings and
emotions but makes you feel guilty when you express them. Those
who are deceptively pleasant are socially more popular than those
who are honest but emotionally unpleasant.
Just think. When we hide our emotions and our true feelings,
we stop being genuine, spontaneous and authentic in our relationships.
When we put on cultivated and polished faces in the company of our
others, we stop being true to ourselves. It may be social expediency
to hide our true emotions, but morally it is also a breach of faith
and trust. Although humans are more advanced and intelligent, the
animals are more genuine and authentic in their behavior and responses
than the human beings. The more educated we are, the less transparent
and reliable we become. We are drawn to our pets because pets
do not lie.
One of the first steps in dealing with emotions such as anger
or fear is to acknowledge them as normal and human. There is nothing
sinful or immoral about being emotional, unless your emotions make
you inhuman, insensitive and cruel to others. Feelings of guilt
associated with emotions are more devastating and damaging than
the the experience of emotion itself. So when you deal with the
problem of emotions, you should learn not only how to control them
but also how to accept them and manage the guilt and remorse arising
from them.
Society may love to see a cool cowboy who would not bat an eyelid
when the guns are blazing at him or when someone tries to provoke
him with an insulting word. But let us admit, if you really come
across a such a person in your life, probably you will not feel
very comfortable with him or her. When it comes to friendship and
relationships, we prefer emotionally vibrant people to the cold
and calculated types, whose minds and hearts none can fathom.
There is a reason why emotions are so difficult to control. There
is also a reason why probably we may will never be able to control
them completely. Our personality is made up of two components, one
primitive and one modern. The primitive part constitutes the core.
It is what we have in common with the rest of the Nature. The recent
or the modern part is the most human and rational part. It constitutes
the outer core. It is where our exclusive human faculties are located.
Our senses are wired primarily to the primitive mind and through
the primitive mind to the more recent one. Nature intended this
design for our survival and continuity. But in the process it also
created some problems and consequences.
Although we are different from animals and mostly rely upon reason
and thinking, the primitive core of our personality still plays
a vital role in our survival and wellbeing. It is where the external
stimuli and perceptions are first received and processed before
they are transmitted to the outer core for further processing, analysis
and control. The outer core works more or less like a regulator
or controller. It decides what to do with the information coming
from the primitive core, whether to modify the primitive and
instinctual responses coming from the other side or let them go
unchecked and unchanged. To the extent we develop our outer core
and polish our thinking and reasoning skills, we have the ability
to control our primitive behavior and show our more civilized, refined
and polished behavior. This is why education and overall awareness
are such important factors in the development of human personality
and in controlling one's behavior.
Most of the time, the rational mind controls the information
coming from the primitive core and makes it own decisions as to
what to do and how to respond. This is the norm. This is what happens
when you are talking to strangers, riding a rollercoaster or watching
an emotionally intense drama. You remain in control and let the
emotions slide through your system harmlessly and almost unnoticeably.
However during critical situations, especially when a threat is
perceived, the outer core loses control and fails to regulate the
impulses and instinctual responses coming from the primitive brain.
As a result, we let disturbing thoughts and emotions arise in our
consciousness and succumb to our primitive behavior. It is also
possible that at times our rational minds go into faulty mode of
thinking and aggravate the primitive responses instead of countering
them rationally and realistically. Irrational thinking is therefore
a key factor in our failure to manage our emotions.
Since emotions arise primarily in the primitive parts of our
consciousness and since our senses are primarily wired to them,
it logically follows that if we can control our primitive minds,
we can control our emotions. Unfortunately we cannot do it. The
primitive mind is a wild thing, basically in auto mode and mostly
uncontrollable. It is self-regulated, autonomous and spontaneous.
We can only control it and endure it through the rational, analytical
and human part of the brain.
It is also true that there is nothing sinful or immoral about
our emotions. They are a natural and inseparable part of our consciousness.
They have a role to play in ensuring our survival and enriching
our consciousness. When we experience them, we should learn
to get the message they are intending to deliver rather than feeling
sorry about them. We have two minds hidden in our consciousness,
like day and night or light and darkness. They are the inseparable
twins. One is primitive and independent and the other rational and
analytical. Together they make you who you are, human, a mixture
of opposites and a subject of duality. Your behavior depends to
a great extent upon which part of your mind is activated and how
much control your rational mind exercises over your primitive mind.
In times of emotional turmoil, remember that emotions arise because
your senses are wired to the primitive part of your mind and your
rational mind does not always deal with the messages coming from
it effectively. These messages are part of your survival and existential
mechanism, and should not be stifled simply because emotions are
unhealthy and betray your weaknesses. When emotions arise, instead
of stifling them, pay attention to them and try to understand
the messages they are trying to deliver. This way you make use of
your emotions without losing your balance and inner stability.
Suggested Further Reading
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